Your Hand In Mine

My beloved husband,

I know, I know…I have avoided anything that reminds me of our lives in Boston. It must be funny to you how I refuse to even have Korean fried chicken now but trust me, it isn’t funny at all to be reminded of the morning (more like all-day) sickness that hit me when I was pregnant with Faith. You and I know that life was terribly tough then.

But of course, life was tough because of the unfortunate events that happened on top of the morning sickness. What started out as an adventure that we were both looking forward to quickly spiralled into a teary mess whilst we were en route to the city. I will never forget how we huddled together for the remaining hours of our flight, stricken with fear and doubt, when I told you I bled heavily on the plane. We didn’t know if our pregnancy was viable, and we spent the first six hours of our lives in Boston getting prodded and weeping at the ER in MGH. Who would have guessed that we would spend the next six weeks either muted with fear for our baby’s well-being or crying in the serviced apartment that we called home in Boston. Well, I didn’t.

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I never did thank you for what you did to keep me sane during the nightmarish weeks back then.  I didn’t even realise how frightened you must have been by the episode, until I thought about it this evening as I flipped through our photos taken in Boston. Yet, you put on a brave front for me; like you always say, ‘One of us has to be strong for the both of us when the other is weak’.

Remember how you took me out to Boylston Street on Christmas Eve, ever so determined to treat me to a good meal to take my mind off things? Even though we ended up having Taiwanese beef noodles in a dodgy part of Chinatown, I would never forget your optimism and how you held me close as I cried outside Arlington Street Church, which we chanced upon in town. Thank you for saying a prayer with me that night.

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Thank you for holding my hand the whole time when we were waiting for the test results on Christmas morning. I would have broken down completely if not for you. And yes, the trip that we had planned to revisit our honeymoon destination, NYC? Thank you for insisting that we go ahead. I was sick to the gut with worry, but believe it or not, I had the best time with you, even if smiles from me came in the stingiest snippets. I knew you wanted me to let go, and I really tried to be happy because I wanted you to be happy too. I hope you know that.

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It wasn’t easy when you started working at MGH. Your hours were terribly long; I remember you had to wake up at 4am and didn’t get home till 7.30pm. Even though you were exhausted, you took care of me when I was plagued with morning sickness. You held my hair up as I heaved, rubbed my back, held me in your arms as I sobbed with worry over our unborn child, and rushed back during your 30-minute lunch break just so that I wouldn’t feel alone.

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Oh, do you remember the snowstorm that hit us at the end of our stay in Boston? I was feeling well enough to finally step out of the apartment to stomp around in thick blankets of snow. We built a snowman and stuck the ‘Baby On Board’ badge we had gotten from the Tube in London on its chest. We laughed heartily for the first time in weeks, and threw snowballs at each other. The sharp, cold air made me feel alive with every breath I took, but most of all, the sight of you, so relaxed and happy in the snow, gave me strength and renewed faith.

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And just like that, your hand took me to our last day in Boston. We took our first and final walk around the residential area near Charles Street, and I was reminded that hope is around the corner every time we walked past a cheerful Christmas wreath. That we would be back home in Singapore soon, and answers would be revealed in good time. That you would be right by my side, through the good and the bad. I was ready for anything because I had you.

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I never did thank you for helping me through one of the toughest times in our lives, and I hope I am not too late in saying this…the tears that nobody knew we were shedding…heartbreaking conversations that only we would know of…smiles that were forced as we tried to make memories of the life in the city I was trying to forget, I couldn’t have gone through it all without your hand in mine. And as strange as it sounds, I don’t want to forget the terrible times we had in Boston, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, because you…you made it all worthwhile.

I am ready for anything because I have you. Thank you, my love.




4 thoughts on “Your Hand In Mine

  1. Erika Schneider

    That was beautiful, and brought a tear to my eye. What a wonderful husband you have and what an articulate, sensitive and beautiful wife he has! 🙂 I always love reading your posts, they are always thought provoking 🙂

  2. Holly

    What a beautiful post. The subtext is hard to follow, but I realise that is because it’s so personal. Beautiful. I wish you all well!

  3. Lucy L

    I am absolutely choked after reading your post. I am so sorry to hear of that hard time in your lives, but you have a wonderful husband and now a beautiful daughter. Thanks for sharing such a personal episode, I wish you & your family the very best =)


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