Category Archives: Funnies

The Things Faith Says #8: What’s Tickle in Chinese? 

We have been making a conscious effort to practise speaking Mandarin with Faith. She understands much better than she speaks and we thought to help her along by speaking the language more frequently to her. M is more fluent in Mandarin than I am, so I tend to only remember to practise with F when he’s back home from work.

I was cuddled up in bed with F yesterday night, watching SING on the iPad when M came home from work. F loves to get us to tickle her and she asked her daddy if he could do that.

M (in Mandarin): Try speaking in Mandarin, Faith.

F: Mama, what’s tickle in Chinese?

I turned to M, who turned to look at me as well, and I grew tomato-red before bursting into laughter.

Me: Errrrr…..(laughs hysterically) GOO JI?!!!!

(For those of you who aren’t familiar with dialects/slangs, ‘Goo Ji’ means to tickle but it’s definitely not Mandarin!)

M glared at me and then started laughing as well.

M: It’s 搔痒 lah!!!

I mean, seriously, did you guys not think of ‘Goo Ji’ too?!

I think 冯老师 (my Higher Chinese Language teacher in secondary school) is going to throw my desk out of the classroom (she used to do that with students who weren’t okay in her books). I came from a reputable Chinese school and I think it’s safe to say that I am now a disgrace to my alma mater.

(Well, I know this should belong to the category ‘Things Mama Says’ but I hope I don’t make that many bloopers to fill up a new category, so I am just going to archive this conversation here.)

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Prison Break 

4.20am

I woke up to Ethan’s soft cries and thought he needed to nurse again. After all, he has been waking up in the middle of the night for the past two weeks, and I thought this was just like any other night.

As I approached his room and groped for the handle to the door, I was puzzled by the amplitude of his cries.

Why does he sound so loud when his cries sound so muffled on the monitor? He sounds like he is…just behind the door?! But it can’t be, right…?!

I opened the door gingerly and peeped. Wasn’t sure why I did that because I did tell myself that I was just sleep-deprived and that I was just thinking too much. And lo and behold, two very large, round eyes that were brimming with tears were staring back at me in complete darkness.

OMFG HE GOT OUT OF THE COT AND HE *IS* BEHIND THE DOOR!!!!

!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!

I yelled for M because I couldn’t contain that leaping (in a bad way) heart of mine. How in the world….how did he…he is only 16 months old…but the base is pretty low on the cot…Faith never did…he can’t even walk consistently yet…it’s pitch-black in here with the black-out blinds and drapes…how did he…OMG MY SON PRISON BREAK LEH WHAT THE!!!

M was in disbelief, and he semi-shouted, “Is he hurt? Is his head okay? CHECK HIM NAO.” Then he ran outside with the torch he grabbed from E’s room and came running back after a few seconds, muttering that we have to lower the cot first thing in the morning. (M clarified that he went out of the room because he thought there might be an off-chance that someone broke into our home and wanted to kidnap E, and because E cried, the badass left him sitting behind the door. Say whutt?!)

F, who was sleeping in our bed, stumbled into E’s room, rubbed her eyes and was utterly confused, “What happened to didi?”

I wish I knew what happened!

Needless to say, I slept with one eye open after I put E back to bed. I Googled a million videos of babies doing the great escape and couldn’t believe that my baby, the one with the manja longan eyes, is as fearless as these Youtube babies.

So. We lowered the cot to the bottommost rung, even though it was already on the second lowest adjustment. We plonked the very large playmat right under. We removed all dangerous objects, even knobs on drawers, drilled the chest to the wall, and hung up all loose blind and curtain cords, waaaaay out of (even my) reach. The sockets are all sealed, wires all kept, and we are going to monitor E’s bedtime shenanigans for a while. He is still too young to be transited to a floor mattress, so let’s hope these changes contain him until he is ready to sleep in a big boy’s bed like his sister did at 29 months.
Doodle courtesy of Gong Gong, who calls him Ninja Kid. 

The Things Faith Says #6: There is Milo On Your Face

This afternoon, I gave F a packet of cold Milo as a treat and she was happily slurping it down when she stopped in her tracks, leaned forward and peered at me very, very seriously.

“Mama…there is Milo on your face. Hmm, yes, Milo.” She deadpanned.

I was puzzled because I wasn’t drinking any Milo and she certainly hadn’t spilled any on me. And then I realised what she was referring to.

That damned blotchy patch of pigmentation on my face. Someone hand me the laser, please? 

The Things Faith Says #5: He Didn’t Sleep Well

Every morning, I creep into F’s room, sit by her bed and rub her back gently to wake her up. We’d then have a conversation on what we would be doing for the day and whether she slept well. Nothing out of the ordinary, usually, but today, F got me laughing. 

Me: Faith, did you sleep well?

F (rubbing her eyes): Yes, I slept well. 

Me (stroking her hair): Good!

F (pulling Dumbo, one of the many stuffed toys she goes to bed with): But I think Elephant didn’t sleep well because he didn’t close his eyes like me.

And she gestured at Dumbo’s big, unblinking eyes as she related her thoughts to me. 

The things kids say…!

The Things Faith Says #2: She Doesn’t Share Food

We were having a much-anticipated steak dinner at Chophouse (which turned out to be a real disappointment) in Sydney about two weeks ago and Faith’s main course of fish and chips had arrived sooner than ours.

M and I were famished and started picking off the mountain of fries on her plate (which we were sure she wouldn’t be able to finish), when Faith frowned at me, pouted her lips and exclaimed, “Hmmph!”

We were a little taken aback as she has always been okay with us eating off her plate, and in fact, is quite generous with sharing even her favourite foods. I dropped the fry immediately out of surprise.

Me: Faith, can Mama have a French fry, please?

Faith (in all seriousness that made M and me snort with laughter): This is Faith’s fries. Mama order your fries, okaaaayyyy?

Me: HOKAAAAY. Sorry, dear. Mama will not eat your fries, okay?

Faith promptly nodded and went back to demolishing the mountain of fries. Mama and Papa continued to battle hunger until our cardboard steaks arrived.

201410 Sydney Grounds of Alexandria

How Faith feels about food.201410 Sydney Grounds of Alexandria 2

How Faith feels about sharing food.

P/S: We thought that it was a one-off, because she was back in the spirit of sharing food after that meal, but today, she refused to let me have another piece of kaya toast for breakfast and claimed it for herself, saying, “This is Faith’s bread.” Well, at least I no longer have to finish her leftovers!

The Things Faith Says #1: On Loving Us

I should have done this a long time ago, when Faith started having properly hilarious and startling conversations with us. Well, better late than never, so here goes (and I sure hope to keep this up with my busy bee schedule!)

Papa: Faith, do you love Papa?

Faith: YES!

Papa: Do you love Mama?

Faith: YES!

Papa: Who do you love more?

Mama (softly chiding Papa): What a question to ask her!!

Faith: FAITH!

Mama: *dumbfounded*

Papa: GOOD ANSWER.

Faith: You love Faith?

Papa and Mama (in unison): OF COURSE!

Mama: Papa and Mama love you very, very much, dear.

Faith (gives an approving nod): Thank you for everything. Amen.

There and then, we burst out laughing, and sat wondering where the time has gone and if our little girl is growing up too quickly.

faith

Married Life Blooper #4: When One Gets All Smart-Ass on the Other

*This conversation is best illustrated as we spoke it, in English, Mandarin and Singlish. I thought of doing a translation for international readers, but it’s not half as funny in Queen’s English! Sorry, guys!

We were taking an evening stroll through the ‘hood, when we came across a house where the owner had grown a thick canopy of climbers over a quaint sitting area in the garden.

M (referring to the canopy): Look at that!

Me: Why would anyone do that?! What if the 鸟生鸡蛋,or worse 送他一粒炸弹 while he is sitting underneath the canopy?

M: Please lah, 鸟 doesn’t 生鸡蛋.

Me (shooting M the eh-you-fail-your-science-ah look): 鸟 of course 生鸡蛋, it does not give birth to live young, OKKKAAAAYY?

M: 鸟生鸟蛋, lah, PLEASEEEEEEE! (proceeds to shoot me the you-then-fail-your-science look)

Me: … (turns lobster red and smacks M repeatedly on his arm, as I do when I realise I am completely and horribly wrong!)

The Kid Doesn’t Always Say No

So. Faith is turning two in a month’s time and of course, the terrible twos have descended upon this peace-lovin’ home. In fact, I think we were first hulk-smashed when she was 19-20 months old and have since lived through some pretty jaw-dropping episodes. The tantrums have somewhat given way to a subtler, more civilised form of protestation, where F launches into verbal diarrhoea that has the consistency of 10364 resounding No’s. Case in point:

‘Faith, can you please drink some water?’

‘NO.’

‘Faith, can you please eat your dinner?’

‘NO.’

You get the picture.

She doesn’t shout when she says no, but it can be really grating when *clenches teeth* I.just.want.to.get.the.job.done.

But of course, things are getting more complicated now that Faith makes sense of the world and understands more than we think she does.

After a particularly rough night, I was just about to fall into deep sleep when F woke up. I practically dragged myself by my nostrils as I shuffled over to her room to pick her up, and promptly hauled her to my bed, in the hope that she would snooze a little longer and let me catch some winks. As any parent’s luck would have it, the kid was fresh as a daisy and buzzed like an Energizer bunny; I tried to sleep through her jumping on my bed and of course, I couldn’t. I don’t know what came over me but I decided to reason with her.

‘Faith, Mama is tired. Can Mama sleep?’

‘No.’

‘Please? Mama wants to sleep.’

‘No.’ (pause) ‘Mama wear spectacles!’ (That’s Faith’s way of getting me up from the bed because I always put on my glasses the instant we wake from our lunchtime naps.)

‘But Mama wants to sleep. Mama is tired.’

‘No.’

(resigned to fate) ‘You want Mama to wear spectacles?’

(exuberantly) ‘YEESSS!!!’

Well, I wish the kid said no, like she used to. But with any parent’s luck…

201407 Faith 22 Months